Sana maulit muli

They say that life is a game of destiny and that love is a matter of fate. But what if destiny seems to be playing a trick on you? Will you change your destiny if you were given that one chance?

Now that I'm done watching the first five seasons of 24, I now have a few extra time to watch something else on television or to read a book. One of these "else" is Sana Maulit Muli, the newest drama series on ABS-CBN. I can't talk about the plot without spoiling anything, so just read the first paragraph (and quote) of this post. It pretty much sums up what you can expect from this drama.

I like this drama, especially the first two weeks of it. The story unfolds relatively faster compared to the usual slow-moving Filipino television drama. What I don't like about it, and about Filipino TV drama in general, are the paper-thin, underdeveloped, supporting characters (villain or otherwise). It seems that the writers focus on what the main characters are all about and then just surround them with predictable supporting characters. In the episodes that I've seen so far, for example, there's only one supporting character (Camille, the fake Poknat) that hints of being more than a flat, straight out villain. So aside from the Travis/Bokbok and Jasmine/Poknat characters, only Camille is believable.

Right now, I'm interested on what will happen next. I'm just not sure for how long. I'm not sure if I can sustain the interest.

24: Jack Bauer's longest days

On the day that this year started, I had nothing else better to do. Actually, I did not want anything better to do. I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV as a reward for sitting on the couch and watching TV and then listening to music for the first three hours of the new year. Anyway, I happen to stumble upon "24" season 4 marathon on channel 23 (Studio 23) and got hooked. What a beautiful drama! It got action and it got story and plenty of characters trying to make a difference. Days later I bought the DVD's (seasons 1 to 5). Right now I'm in the middle of season four. Yeah, I know I've already seen this season, this is the first season that I watched, but still the DVD version is much clearer. For the last few weeks I've been sleeping at around 1 o'clock in the morning due to this unhealthy craving for at least an episode a night no matter how late I come home. This is one well-written series. I'd say it's better than Lost, the other well-written series shown on AXN and Studio 23. It keeps me on the edge of my seat with its suspense, and has me fighting back tears with its drama. It has plenty of heroes and villains that are real people with real emotions with real dilemmas while being true heroes and true villains. You prick them (literally and figuratively) and they bleed and cry.

24 is mostly about a day in the life of Jack Bauer of the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) Los Angeles Domestic Unit trying to save America from an imminent terrorist strike. Each episode corresponds to one hour of the 24-hour period covered by each season. Each season is Jack Bauer's longest day. And it is the reason for my longest nights of this first month of the year.

2007 is here. Now what?

This seems to be my question at the start of every year. One week of holidays. And then it's over and a new year begins. Now what? I don't want to make any new year resolution, not because I'm confident that I won't achieve them, rather because I still can't think of any. I'd rather spread my resolutions throughout the year, every time I feel like resolving something.

What I'd like to do is the Consciousness Examen, explained by Fr. Jboy in his blog. I don't want to re-explain it here, but here in a nutshell are the steps in this examination:

1. prayer for enlightenment (prayer to see one's life as God sees it)
   
2. prayer of gratitude (thanksgiving for blessings received)
   
3. survey of actions (what areas in our life are deficient and need change)
   
4. sorrow and contrition (realization of our sinful tendencies and deficiencies)
   
5. hope for the future (see in the deepest part of your heart how you now face the future)
   

I'd be sure to write about the things that I come up with this exercise. It's meant to be done daily not just at the end or at the start of the year.

Letting go

For the better part of last December I have been trying to salvage a friendship that I now doubt really existed in the first place. It's very tiring. No true friendship can be this hard to save. It's time to let go. I believe I have done every humanly possible thing to try and save it. Again, I now doubt whether there was something to save in the first place. It's time to let go and move on. I'm taking positive steps to repair the wound inflicted on my soul. It's time to divert my efforts to true friends, those friends who wouldn't abandon me in a blink of an eye. Living in her fairytale for a few months had been wonderful, but every tale has to end. I have reached its end.

It's all in my hands

I worry too much. Sometimes too much that it rules my life. It's not good to dwell on one's worries. Sometimes it is easy to forget that it's all in God's hands. I'm not going to solve this problem soon. But I hope, from time to time, I'll be aware that I'm worrying too much so that I can tell myself, "Carl, stop worrying. Don't think of the problem. Think of the solution."

Stargazing, hopes and dreams

When I was young the streets that run through our neighborhood is rough. Dusts everywhere. Stones everywhere. A neighbor used to have a broken pickup truck in front of their house. My childhood best friend and I would often lie on our backs on top of the truck, watch the stars and talk about our hopes and dreams. She'd talk mostly about dreams, and I about hopes.

We were probably ten. Because when you're nine you only have dreams. When you're ten, you have dreams, and you also have hopes. You hope to achieve your dreams. Then from eleven on, you actually work on achieving them. And then when you achieved them you realized what you achieved is so much different from what you hoped for when you were ten.

If I could do it again, find a broken pickup truck, lie on my back on top of that truck with my best friend, and watch the stars, I wonder what dreams she'd tell me and what hopes I'd confide to her. If I could do it again now as the year 2006 draws to a close, what would my hopes and dreams be for the new year and the years to come?

Let me search my feelings.

I hope to write more blog posts next year compared to 2006.

I dream of writing a novel someday. Right now, I don't see it happening anytime soon, but still there's that hope that one day I'll wake up with a brilliant story in mind, a story worth writing. I hope that by that time I will know enough nuts and bolts of writing novels to put that brilliant story idea to paper. This is my biggest dream right now. It's so far from becoming a reality, but I'm happy that there's no age limit to becoming a writer.

I hope for a reorganization of our department soon. Yeah, I know, why would I want that? Wouldn't the status quo be safer? Yes, indeed it would be safer, but somehow I feel that a reorganization of our department could be the push that I'm waiting for to go beyond mediocrity and search for more, search for a better job, search for a better life. The way I see it a reorganization is better than the status quo. Our department could be dissolved and then I'd be compelled to search for a job somewhere else. It's also possible for our department to be dissolved and then I could be re-hired by the outsourcing company that provides IT services for the new IT structure of the company. Whichever way, it could be a blessing in disguise waiting to happen.

I hope to reconnect with my childhood friend (and grade school classmate). The day before Christmas, I attended the christening of my godchild, the first child and son of my childhood best friend and neighbor. My childhood friend was one of the godmothers (the three of us were grade school classmates) and so we met at the reception. We had a pleasant conversation and got to catch up with each other a little bit. It's been a while since we last saw each other. She's as beautiful as ever and still got that smile that captured my heart way back when. Back then, I was fortunate to have also captured her heart. I know what you're thinking, but that's not it. I just want to be in communication with her again. To reconnect. Actually I'd like to reconnect with friends whom I haven't seen or heard from in a while.

I hope to cure my unhealthy tendency to dwell in the past. For the year 2007, may I find it easy to forgive and be easily forgiven. May I heal fast as well as a source for fast healing.

I hope for general happiness for me and my family, and also for my friends.

I hope for general happiness for you.

These are my hopes and my dreams for the year 2007 and the years to come. God bless us all in 2007. Happy new year!

rain, sleep

The sweet rain I cherished as a child
Is the same rain I fear as a grownup.
The gentle rain that never hurt me then,
Now makes me sneeze and cough.
Fear, as Yoda once said,
Is a path to the dark side.
***

At the office, the rain told me to go home.
At home, it told me to sleep.
I am still awake.
The rain speaks a strange language.
***

Into the deep forest of slumber I go.
Unto its grounds I lay down my day memories.
Tomorrow, at the break of dawn,
I shall gather them once more.
Some, I will lose. They are the forgotten.
A few new ones will be added. Lessons learned.
Strange thing, the journey through the night.
***

In a world and at a time
where everybody is sleeping,
I am awake.
I'll guard your dreams.
***

TXT GAP.
Even in my sleep, she is the one I texted.
Even in my wakefulness, she doesn't reply.
***

tale of two poems

I had recently been taking a fifteen-minute nap every after lunch break. I would put on my headset and listen to the playlist I call "sleepy head". In the playlist are instrumental that are very relaxing to the ears and perhaps to the soul. One of the pieces included in this playlist is The Lake House by Rachel Portman from the soundtrack of the movie of the same title. When I played it one day, I imagined myself being at the side of a lake (specifically the lake inside the Del Monte Golf Course in Cawayanon, Bukidnon), sitting down, looking far across the lake to the trees on the other side, with the cool breeze blowing from the lake to my face. I felt an exuberance I've never felt in quite a while. I was so happy that I started writing a poem on my mind expressing my happiness. But I didn't want to break my relaxation to write down what was on my head, so I put it off for the rest of the afternoon and decided to write it down later that evening.

Later that evening... Ha! Big mistake! I tried remembering how I felt earlier that afternoon, but failed. I wrote a poem, anyway, and the result is "dear lake, dear tree" . You can read this poem in my blog. When I reviewed it, I was surprised at how different it was to the one I had in mind during my nap. The poem I wrote down is very sad. I felt sorry for the narrator (that is to say, myself) and so I wrote another one with the intention of writing something with a happier tone. The result is "shimmering lake, beloved trees" that you can also read in my blog. It's happier, but not as happy as the one I had in mind earlier that day.

One inspiration. Two different poems. Two moods. Two poems that are different than the one originally intended. I should never put off writing down a poem I have in mind. Pen and paper must always be at the ready.

shimmering lake, beloved trees

Shimmering waters of the lake
I come before you here
Thankful for the gift of you
You who touch my heart
You who heal my soul
With the light on tiptoe
Dancing with random grace
On sweet waters
Waters dancing with such delight
Caressed by the wind

O beloved trees of the forest
I visit you once more
Grateful for the gift of you
With shade that cools my soul
That warms my heart
With the light on tiptoe
Dancing with random grace
On grateful leaves
Leaves dancing with utter joy
Moved by the wind

dear lake, dear tree

O dear lake, sweet sister
I come upon you again
Tired and aching
Hug me once again
With your soothing waters
Heal my broken soul
Caress me like the wind caresses you
Because of you I survive
Over uncertainties and doubts
You make me float

O dear tree, strong brother
I seek you once more
Confused and lonely
Shelter me once again
Under your assuring shades
Heal my broken heart
Lift me up like the wind lift the leaves
Because of you I survive
Over cruelties and deception
You make me fly

Tale of two rivers

For the last few weeks I've been reading two novels that contain impressive rivers.

The first river is not named, but let me call it River Siddhartha as it is from the novel Siddhartha written by Herman Hesse. This is a very wise river. If you listen closely, you'll hear it give you advice. And if you listen even closer you'll hear it laugh (sometimes mock you), sing, or cry. Many a soul that searched for enlightenment found it here, after listening to the river.

The second river is the River Piedra. Legend has it that everything that falls into the river turns into stone and sinks down the riverbed. People with broken hearts often go on the banks of the Piedra and try to rip their hearts and throw them into the river to have the pain they feel taken away from them.

I wish these two rivers are near Cagayan de Oro, or even better, near Bugo so that I can walk by it everyday. Everyday that I go to work. And everyday that I go back from work. Whenever I'm weary, I could walk on the banks of the River Piedra and touch its waters. Aren't those tears? I could find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one tired of everything that has been going on around me. Whenever I'm lost, I could sit by the River Siddhartha and listen to its wise waters. Sure, she'll mock me for the stupid things that I put myself through, but then later she'll take pity and tell me my options. She won't tell me what to do. I have to solve my own problems, but under her guidance.

It would be nice to have those two rivers near me. Both rivers are gifts from God, gifts for the weary, aching, broken souls that wander around the city. Both rivers are gifts from God, gifts for the happy, glad, contented souls that skip about around the city. Lamentations and celebrations united by each river, united by both rivers. Cries and laughter heard as one in each river, in both rivers. Tired souls and happy souls in communion by the two rivers.

This December, this Christmas season, may I find both rivers.

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho

This is a story about Pilar and her childhood friend (love) who left the place they grew up in to pursue his dreams. One day they met again and he asked her to join him on a journey. She didn't know it then, when she agreed to join him, that it would also be a journey through the memories of their past that would beg her to reevaluate her thoughts on faith and religion and her feelings for him.

This is one of those books (and there are lots of them) that I probably won't read on my own. A friend sent me an email last August asking me to read this book adding that on page 178 she almost cried. She's the same friend (now working in Dubai) who convinced me to watch the Korean dramedy "Goong". I don't know whether we read the same edition of the novel, but on page 178 of the edition I read there's a passage that I read a couple of times before continuing on.

"I am going to sit here with you by the river. If you go home to sleep, I will sleep in front of your house. And if you go away, I will follow you—until you tell me to go away. Then I'll leave. But I have to love you for the rest of my life."

I have to love you for the rest of my life... I think I stared at this sentence for who knows how many minutes before continuing with the next. To love somebody for the rest of your life even after he or she told you to leave. It's sad and probably won't stand the test of time. And if you do it even after knowing somebody else owns her heart, there's that question of being able to love someone else. Wouldn't you want to love somebody else? Wouldn't you want the possibility of loving someone else? But to ask these questions would be missing the point, according to the book. To ask those questions would be to worry about whether she'll say yes or no. It's as if you can't love unless she loves you back. If I read the book correctly, it's telling me not to worry about how it will end. If it's a sad ending, remember the happy moments before that. God's will be done.